I've recently gone through 2 major life changes.
The first change: I went blonde! It's something I've wanted to do forever and I finally got impulsive enough to do it. Funny though, it didn't end up being as impulsive as I thought... I had to go to the salon several times to get my hair even close to the lightness I wanted.
When I went to my first appointment, I was excited, nervous, and loaded with pictures of exactly how I wanted my hair to look. So when my stylist informed me it couldn't look like that after only one visit, it's no surprise I was highly agitated. I had figured it wouldn't be exactly the same (100% Italian, my hair is super dark.) But I figured he could get it close, right? Wrong. The first attempt was different for sure, but my hair was more orange than blonde and it didn't look natural at all. Needless to say, I was disappointed.
On my second trip a few weeks later, my stylist took some time to explain the science of pigmentation and why my dark hair would always bend towards orange and gold instead of blonde. All of this was cool to know, but the thing he said that made the biggest impact on me was something very simple. Something I already knew but had never heard in this way before. He said, "It just takes a lot more effort to remove darkness. If something starts light, it's easy to change to dark, but to go from dark to light is hard."
It just takes a lot more effort to remove darkness...
This leads me to my second life change. For about 2 years now, I have felt my life darkening. This has been due to choices I've made, circumstances beyond my control, other's choices, etc. etc. In the last 2 years I've felt myself develop into a person I never thought I'd be. So when my stylist said that quote, I couldn't help but think it was really referring to my life. I had let the light inside of me become dark without even realizing the depth of brokenness I had reached.
"It just takes a lot more effort to remove darkness. If something starts light, it's easy to change to dark, but to go from dark to light is hard."
Pretty much since I graduated college in December, I've been working for my "fresh start." I've been desperately grasping at the things I thought would fix me, save me, or bring me light again. But my stylist was right, it's hard to remove darkness. I did everything I knew to bleach out my mistakes, color over my insecurity, and highlight my brokenness to look like the Lord's work. But in my own strength, my life looked a lot like my orange hair: Half done. Unnatural. Fake.
Last week I reached a low point, and in my sadness I remembered a great quote from one of my favorite movies, The Ultimate Gift: "You don't begin to live until you've lost everything. I've lost everything three or four times. A perfect place to start." This isn't to say I'd lost everything, but I was certainly lost. And I finally made the decision to stop trying so hard and to just follow Jesus again.
It's been less than a week and I'm not "better" yet. That's hard for me as a driven, overachieving perfectionist to not be fixed simply because I made the decision to stop trying to fix myself. However, it's been less than a week and I've already felt the redemptive power of Christ remaking me.
My stylist was right, it is MUCH harder to lighten something that is already dark, and no doubt this is the beginning of a long-term uphill journey, but I have peace and determination because God isn't just lightening me, God IS my light. Without Him, I had no power to change, but His strength enables me.
And He does not enable me to be the person I was, because I am not the Christian I was in high school, or freshman year of college, or even 2 years ago when all of this started. I am being made into a new creation.
My current favorite worship song is "Masterpiece" as it perfectly describes what Christ is doing in me. I will leave you with a few of my favorites lyrics and a link to listen to the song.
All the credit to Jesus, and until next time,
Gabby
I can't understand Why I'm not fixed by now Begged and I pleaded Take this pain but I'm still bleeding
Heart trusts you for certain Head says it's not working I'm stuck here still hurting But you tell me
You're making a masterpiece You shaping the soul in me You're moving where I can't see And all I am is in your hands You're taking me all apart Like it was your plan from the start To finish your work of art for all to see you're making a masterpiece
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